Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
marvel comics have peaked
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.