Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The first matador
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”