[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.