Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
You Might Also Like
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*