Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
What is going on? 😅
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!