Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
You Might Also Like
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
*pokes sex life with a stick
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.