it must be school picture day
You Might Also Like
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”