Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve had worse
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.