I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You Might Also Like
How it started How it’s going
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.