@buhsbaby_baby: "MAYBE IT'S THE TRANSMISSION!“ I scream helpfully when I drive past anyone who's car is broken down on the side of the road...
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@murrman5: *buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*
@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible
@TheMichaelRock: Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15. Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
@GensPlace: Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.