Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
This kid is a star!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.