Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.