Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
🐕🍷
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Realize this: