Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
2022 will be better than 2021
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law