Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Check out the legs on this baby
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.