Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.