Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The Assassin.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.