Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.