@Smug_Lemur: Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like "I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively."
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh. I figured she couldn't do any harm if she couldn't open it. She threw it at her sister's head.
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*