@Smug_Lemur: Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like "I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively."
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@KeetPotato: bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses me: first of all, i can't do both
@huntigula: [at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@AbrasiveGhost: [Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies] "Oh peas no!" [WHAP] "Why u bean like this?" [SMACK] "Don't u carrot all?" [CRACK]
@InternetHippo: doctor: your wife has gone into labour me: oh no wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE