Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?