Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
You Might Also Like
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog