Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.