Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
You Might Also Like
I think I’ll stand
starting a garage orchestra
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*