9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Seductively sings in Klingon.