Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
selena gomez
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”