Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
😂😂😂
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.