Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The pasta is now
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.