Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[montage of me giving-up]
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.