Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking