Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops