Finally, a door that understands me
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
three things we don’t talk about
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Never forget.