Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
When libraries troll their patrons.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off