How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.