When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.