Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked