Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard