I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
You Might Also Like
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you need a laugh.. 😅