Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
What
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?