I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Maths meets science
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.