@weinerdog4life: Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don't know.
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@BlindChow: Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well– Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
@shutupmikeginn: Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"
@samfromks: Heads up guys, if you ask your wife how to spell ménage à trois she's gonna want to know why.
@ABurgerADay: Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.