Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
somebody come look at this
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials