Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
spot the difference
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.