Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Important reminders
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.