@Brianhopecomedy: Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park.
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@tigersgoroooar: Online guy: wanna chat I’m 9 inches Me: i’m 5′8′‘ you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day
@_ElvishPresley_: *tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace* ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
@lazerdoov: *bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*