THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”