Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I love the honesty
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”