@juliussharpe: Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.
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@SLorenzen62: Laundry is racist!! Must separate the whites from the colors!! No delicates allowed? Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@Thynebear: Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
@ghostovpiss: what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden