Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?