A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
You Might Also Like
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af