Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
🔦🌙👣
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
pictures of spider-man
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
This forever.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong