Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.