My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.