Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it