Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print